Saturday, August 02, 2008

A work of staggering genius

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not so far away, Kusems was in the 7th grade and was experiencing a bit of a creative spurt. She wrote a brilliant story, the likes of which she has never yet been able to reproduce. She was very proud of this story, even when she became old (26 years old), but sadly, the piece of paper it was scribed upon was lost in the sands of time. She mourned it whenever she thought about it.

But lo! One day in her 26th year, as she was preparing for her greatest adventure to date, she was rifling through old boxes of childhood knick-knacks, when what should she discover, but the sacred piece of paper! There it was before her: literary genius in the form of a 7th grade short story!

I will transcribe it here, now, in original form, though not handwritten, and slightly edited (to be read with a light-hearted air):

A Play/A Comedy

By Poppington

[Ed. note: There is much speculation, but no definitive answer on why the author chose to sign with only her last name. But seventh-grade is a hard year for everyone, and no one can be expected to act like a normal human being at that age.]

A family was driving down the highway somewhere in Colorado when suddenly a storm broke out. This was not unusual to [Coloradoans], but the family, the Brooks, were on vacation and it was quite surprising to them. They pulled over to the side of the road...

Steven: Well, little ladies. Looks like we'll have to stay here on the side of the road for a while.

Sarah: Oh, Daddy! You'll keep us safe won't you?

Steven: Of course I will, Sarah!

Jayme: Oh, Dad! You're my hero!

(Just then, out of the gray, a car comes up behind a rear ends them.)

Joan: Oh honey! What shall we do?

(no answer)

Joan: Honey? Honey?!

Sarah: Mommy! What happened to Daddy? Is he--dead?!

Joan: I think so!

Both kids: NOOOO!!

Joan: Oh no! Now that terrible man is coming to the window!

Sarah: Mommy! He has a machine...

(Sarah's words are cut off for the man shot at the car and only Jayme is still alive)

Jayme: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Ruby: Bark Bark!

Machine Gun: UUUHHH!

Ruby: Bark Woof Ba...

Jayme: NO! Please No! I don't care about my family but not my dog!

(The gun goes off again and the car is finally silent.)

Everyone: OOOH!


Genius, non? If I live to be a hundred years old, I'm not sure I could ever write another such masterpiece. Incidentally, the story was inspired by a memory from my childhood (minus the death and machine gun). When I was six years old, our family drove to Colorado. Along the way, we were caught in a flash flood, and we pulled over to the side of the road to wait it out. A man on a motorcycle flew by, and I remember my parents commenting on how foolish he was. This memory stuck with me over the years, and somehow morphed into the disturbing (but hilarious, right? At least it was at the time...) story reprinted above.

Thank you for joining us for an evening of Masterpiece Blogging.


  1. I especially like how everyone (who was previously dead) says "OOOOOH."

    Pure genius. I'm sure you could write something as disturbingly funny again. Hm...this is a good writing assignment for me.

  2. No, "OOOOOH" is the sound of them being dead. If I had written now, and not when I was 12, I would have written "ungh" or something like that. Imagine them with tongues hanging out, "x's" over their eyes, going, "ungh..."

  3. :-):-):-):-):-)

  4. This is certainly a work of staggering genius and not at all heartbreaking. I absolutely LOVE that Jayme says, "I don't care about my family but not my dog!" Awesome. Sure, everyone feels that way, but your character said it out loud. Yes!
    What in sam hell was going on in your brain when you wrote that? Can you reflect on what it was that produced it and comment more?
    I remember writing some really bad stuff in seventh and eighth grade as well. My teachers never taught me how to write, so I blame them.