Wednesday, April 14, 2010


My quest for positivity has been put on indefinite hold. I came home to an email from the job I really wanted in Glasgow. After careful consideration, my application has not been successful. Actually, the exact wording is that I have not been successful.

I've received this email so many times and worded so many ways, I feel useless and unwanted. The world has no place for me. It doesn't need me. Goodness knows Brand A will continue makings oodles of money without me.

I don't understand what I have to do to get a flipping interview! I'm so angry and frustrated.

I really really feel like giving up, but of course, that's impossible. Or rather, it would require going into default on my student loans and eventually starving to death. Which, I'll be honest, sounds sort of appealing, at least in a romantic bohemian sort of way. I could contract tuberculosis and die a slow, painful, and poverty-ridden death like the chick in La Boheme, probably minus the charming young lad writing poetry to my beauty.

My first student loan payment was due yesterday. $747.41. And it's past due, because I made the payment yesterday but it takes two days to process. My first payment and I'm already delinquent.

I just have no hope left. I told Holly on Sunday that I wanted this job, but had no hope of getting it. I have no hope of getting any relevant or interesting or even remotely lucrative job. For the past few months, I've become convinced that something's gotta give, but I don't even believe that anymore.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. The plan was to go buy much-needed Clinique concealer, but now I feel like I can't justify any expenditure. Employee appreciation starts Thursday and there's a pile of things I need/want to buy...Ok, I have to stop thinking about this.

Alright, I have reached phase two of disappointment: determination. Phase one involves pathetically feeling sorry for myself and crying a lot. Phase two is where I get down to business and try to fix what I can. Phase two was kickstarted by an email from an international development job website listing recently added jobs. I have no recollection of signing up for this service, and yet here it is in my inbox, at exactly the moment when I'm feeling hopeless. Divine intervention? Sure, why not?


  1. Hang in there, babe! I'm sure something will come through for you in the end. And in the meantime, just remember you're having an awesome adventure abroad, which is something I won't be having anytime soon.

  2. Hi Karen, I"m sorry you're discouraged! I understand though.... after I finished my Master's program I launched into the realm of resumes and interviews, which were all discouraging. The time between graduation and hiring is truly challenging.

    Trying not to listen to the voices in your head that say "can't" "worthless" "nothing to offer" and instead know that the Lord has your future already in mind (Jer 29:11). You are worth SO much and there is a job out there for you. While you are preparing for it, God is preparing it for you.

    I love you and know how capable you are. Try not to let discouragement take over what you know about yourself. This is what I know about you: you are smart, witty, tenacious, and brave. I admire your inner strength and the creative manner you address a challenge (remember the little chalkboard??).

    I believe in you, Karen. Your Pops and I continue to pray for you (and all you girls) each day. Be strong. Be tenacious. Be creative. You are a wonderful person. Michele.

  3. Have you ever wondered how you've managed to accomplish so much?

    Right now, you are looking at the path ahead and seeing it as long and never-ending; don't forgot to look at the path you've traveled, is twice as long and stretches farther than your eye can see.

    You are not one to remain unchallenged, so you can expect to always be striving for something outside your reach. And you will get it! You will get it.

    I know because I've watched you do exactly that since the day you were born.

  4. Determination, that's the spirit! Remember, I went without a single interview for a year, too. Here's how I tried to think of it: the perfect job, with all the ingredients you want, is baking in the oven. If you try to take it out now, it will be undercooked. If I had gotten a job sooner, it wouldn't be the one I'm at right now, and the one I'm at right now is the best I've ever had. You have to wait for perfection.

    As for ending up destitute, I agree, it would be super-romantic if you ended up like the girl in La Boheme. Ask any four-year-old building a fort, cardboard boxes make awesome houses!