My quest for positivity has been put on indefinite hold. I came home to an email from the job I really wanted in Glasgow. After careful consideration, my application has not been successful. Actually, the exact wording is that I have not been successful.
I've received this email so many times and worded so many ways, I feel useless and unwanted. The world has no place for me. It doesn't need me. Goodness knows Brand A will continue makings oodles of money without me.
I don't understand what I have to do to get a flipping interview! I'm so angry and frustrated.
I really really feel like giving up, but of course, that's impossible. Or rather, it would require going into default on my student loans and eventually starving to death. Which, I'll be honest, sounds sort of appealing, at least in a romantic bohemian sort of way. I could contract tuberculosis and die a slow, painful, and poverty-ridden death like the chick in La Boheme, probably minus the charming young lad writing poetry to my beauty.
My first student loan payment was due yesterday. $747.41. And it's past due, because I made the payment yesterday but it takes two days to process. My first payment and I'm already delinquent.
I just have no hope left. I told Holly on Sunday that I wanted this job, but had no hope of getting it. I have no hope of getting any relevant or interesting or even remotely lucrative job. For the past few months, I've become convinced that something's gotta give, but I don't even believe that anymore.
Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. The plan was to go buy much-needed Clinique concealer, but now I feel like I can't justify any expenditure. Employee appreciation starts Thursday and there's a pile of things I need/want to buy...Ok, I have to stop thinking about this.
Alright, I have reached phase two of disappointment: determination. Phase one involves pathetically feeling sorry for myself and crying a lot. Phase two is where I get down to business and try to fix what I can. Phase two was kickstarted by an email from an international development job website listing recently added jobs. I have no recollection of signing up for this service, and yet here it is in my inbox, at exactly the moment when I'm feeling hopeless. Divine intervention? Sure, why not?